Leaving...

When I came here in November set out to adopt two girls, I never ever EVER thought I would be writing the words that are about to come.

We are revoking the committals for both girls and Josie and I are headed home next week.  Let me cover the responses we have already heard so that no one feels the need to say them.  Then I'll explain why.

1.  "But you're so close!"
2.  "But it will ruin their lives!"
3.  "But Jesus never leaves his children orphaned!"
4.  "But you can't.  It's wrong."
5.  "But you'll never forgive yourselves!"
6.  "I'll bet you guys will never adopt again, huh?"

Please know that right now our hearts are broken, yet the Lord has granted us peace and unity in our deicision.  It doesn't mean it's easy...it doesn't mean that any options on the table were completely right or wrong.  This simply is the way that this story is playing out thanks to the ever merciful and good hand of God himself.  There is the possiblity that even after the 7.5 months I have spent here moving house to house away from my husband, family, friends, and church back home, that something could still work out.  "Just wait one more week  On more day.  One more month."  Those phrases are passed out like bubblegum here in Zambia.  I guess what it has come down to for us is a final loss of trust with those working in the adoption system here.

Whether intentional or just by way of being sloppy at their jobs, those in authority have failed us miserably and we are not willing to keep our family apart indefinately to see how the future "ifs" play out here.  So I'll answer the above questions as kindly as I can.

1. "Close" has been an extremely subjective term over here.  In reality this adoption could be completed in July 2012 or it could be 2013 sometime.  When I started out thinking I was leaving in February, I don't have a good category to place the word "close" in right now.

2.  I don't presume to know whether Evolet and Keira's lives will be ruined or not.  The Lord placed me here for a purpose and more and more I am believing that it was only to touch their lives for a short time.  I don't regret that and I hope they remember what they've been taught.  I believe the Lord will raise up families for them.  His plans are better than ours.

3.  Jesus does not leave his children orphaned.  I would not leave my children orphaned either and even though in practice they were my children for a short while, legally they never were.  If so I would be leaving the country with them and there would be no problem.  The analogy only goes so far.  The same Jesus who never leaves us also has the power to orchestrate the universe.  I don't.

4.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed for the answer to this question.  Is it right or is it wrong?  The Bible says to care for orphans, but he also promises to be their father.  I crossed an ocean to do that and in the end it feels that the Lord is saying "thank you.  Now it is time to move on."  I truly don't feel that in this situation it is wrong to leave them in the hands of the Lord. 

5.  I will forgive myself because I don't feel that I've done anything wrong. When the Lord placed the desire of adoption on our hearts we followed.  We obeyed.  We suffered for love--both for our Lord and the orphan.  Now I feel that the Lord has placed it on my heart to leave and simply trust him to provide for these children. I know it doesn't make sense.  I've been on knees praying for clarity this past week and somehow I just know that leaving doesn't mean giving up.  It means that my time with them is up.  The Lord had me here for a purpose and I've fulfilled it.  It's time to get back to filling my role as a wife.

6.  This question is like asking a woman who has just travailed in childbirth when baby #2 is coming.  It simply isn't a good question to ask right now.  My answer is "absolutely not."  But I would never agree to say "never".  My reason is simple:  I don't know what the Lord will ask me to do next.  If he impresses that on our hearts again...we will follow in obedience--hopefully guarding our hearts as well as the children's hearts a little more.

I'm thankful.  I'm thankful for the experience I had even though I'm coming back with the same number of children I left with.  The Lord has taught me so much about himself and this part of the world.  I go home with no regrets and no worries.  That doesn't mean that I'll return with no scars or no pain or longing for the children I've left behind.  Please be understanding.  Please be supportive and encouraging to our family.  Lift us up in prayer and hold us close in your hearts.  There will be alot of adjusting back to American life for Josie and I. 

Providentally, the pastor's message this morning was on Acts 14:22.  He spoke much about hardship and the ways that they serve to strengthen our faith.  Paul said "Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God."  BUT Praise the Lord:

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3

Still Learning

So I've been holding my breath to write another post, but I have pictures and I figured it was time so...here it goes.

We filed for court on Tuesday.  I thought that meant we would be in court the next day since that's what the lawyer said, but alas, everything that exits a person's mouth is not always true.  You would think I would have learned that by now.

The seven month anniversary of me actually being in Zambia has come and gone today.  Don't think for a second that it went unnoticed.  I'm now working on month 8.  Awesome.

The Kids petting Jate

Josie, Jate, and "A Derby".

Josie carrying the sweetest little puppy.

Best roommate ever making best Nshima ever!

Evolet and Jate

A girl's best friend.  How cute is that?

This girl is preciousness wrapped up in the sweetest lil package!

So God has seen fit to teach me MANY things in my time in Africa.  Even though I cannot wait to step foot back inside my own country and my own house, I will never be able to look back on this time as a waste.  Here are just a few things I've learned...

1.  Life is hard.
2.  Life is harder than you thought.
3.  Life is hard and that's the only aspect that many of the people in this world see.  But there's always beauty if you determine to find it under all the pain.
4.  Africa is NOT hot all the time and they call it "cold season" for a reason.
5.  The word "Mommy" can get annoying, but you also never get tired of it.  That's a paradox only a mother can ever understand.
6.  A three year old's chuckle can make my bad day turn happy:)
7.  "Jesus, Take the Wheel"  is a song that should be taken seriously when crossing paths with a mini-bus driver.
8.  I'm far from perfect...in fact I barely have a handle on life most of the time.
9.  Don't brag on your children--God will think it's funny and humble you almost immediately...you'll laugh too.
10. Kids are born really sinful...but also very teachable.  They tend to watch and repeat.
11. The Psalms never get old.
12. When things get to the point where you do a "happy dance" everytime someone poops in the potty you will look in the mirror and wonder who the freak is looking back.  But you'll smile.
13.  God provides...when you least expect it and sometimes from means you didn't imagine.
14.  Friends can help you carry your burdens and you should let them.  God sends them to you.
15.  It's smart to make a plan for using every drop of water that comes out of the faucet...it could stop at any second.
16.  I can survive a freezing cold shower--I may scream like a crow, but I will live to see how the rest of the day turns out.
17.  When the lights go out, just sing and dance, have pie for dinner, and enjoy making your kids laugh with shadow puppets.
18.  I can wash clothes--by hand and in cold water--and they are wearable!!!!
19.  I never would have chosen to live away from my husband for this amount of time, but I love him even more than I did in November.
20.  I never would have chosen to go through the struggles I have, but I feel a SMALL kinship in Christ's sufferings that I never would have known otherwise.  I love HIM more than I did in November.
21.  Christ paid a price to ransom my soul for adoption.  I've done very little in comparison.
22.  You can be friends with a spider.  You really can...as long as he stays on his spot on the wall.
24.  You can love three children equally and admire their individual strengths.  It's a phenomenon I will never understand.
25.  Andrew Peterson change your outlook on life for the day.
26.  God doesn't promise that being more like him will be easy.
27.  Jesus said pray for your daily bread for a reason...you only get through life one day at a time with grace for each moment.
28.  That grace is abundant and God has always given me enough to get through each day.  He does not forsake his children so I will trust him no matter what.
29.  The best things in life are worth the struggle, blood, sweat, tears, and cries to heaven.
30.  Heaven sounds better when the weight of this world is crushing you.
31.  Life is a vapor.
32.  Love never fails.