I wish alot of things lately. I wish I didn't have strep throat and I wish my water wasn't off. I wish I smelled better, I wish my kids weren't as loud, I wish my electricity would stay on. More than anything I wish Jesus would come back. I wish he would make things right again--heal the broken and bring justice to his people. Erase the pain and darkness with the light of his presence. It's a grace that he hasn't and I know that. He delays His wrath in love, but I look around and I long for it.
So I'll settle for something of a smaller scale--the miracle of adoption. The beauty of his love displayed in a parallel that is so close to gospel sacrifice that it feels like Satan and the world has opposed us in every way. Christ says that the persecuted are blessed. And I know my suffering pales in comparison to what many others have experienced. It is all relative, but right now this is the hardest thing I have ever done...to date.
This has been an interesting time of paradoxes for me. Most of my life I've beheld God's goodness in a comfortable form. Now things are hard and it is a temptation to wonder where his goodness went. But for my children, being in a family has been the first tangible evidence of it and they are learning about the God who is good to them. For me it's the hardest time, but for them they are experiencing love and thriving even though they have no idea how good they are even going to have it when we get home! I think things are terrible, but they are ecstatic to just be living where we are and eating and doing the things we do.
Tomorrow (Monday) at 1 p.m. I have a meeting with my social worker and lawyer. I'm taking them out to lunch and leaving my kids so am hoping to have an uninterrupted discussion about the state of things and where we are headed. I always hope that these meetings are curves in the road and most of the time they are uneventful, but I'm putting a stake down tomorrow and I pray for the boldness to demand answers for the sake of my children. My wish is that by Mother's Day I could look at these two kids and tell them they are mine for good. And that we are going home on a particular day. Please pray that with us! In the meantime just pray the water comes back.
"I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted...I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you: therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."--Job 42: 1, and 5-6