A Day in Zambia

So my days in Zambia generally fall into one of two categories

Category 1:  A day with excellent news and also bad or confusing news
Category 2:  A day where nothing happens

Most days fall into category 2, but today was a Category 1 Day.  I had a confrontation with my social worker which was traumatic for me.  I hate fighting and handle it by either apologizing for things I didn't do wrong, lashing out like a cornered animal, or as was the case today weeping in her office and crushing under the overhwlming weight of everything that's going on--doesn't help that Keira keeps having nightmares and I haven't had a good night's sleep for quite a while.

So I accused Elizabeth of lying.  Which I was somewhat justified to do I think, but the situation in question ended up being a misunderstanding.  I still think that if you've told someone you're doing ALL you can to help them and six months later you still haven't managed to get one piece of paper---that falls under the heading of lies too, but still.  I accused without having ALL my facts straight.  I quickly apologized, but apparently that wasn't good enough and now I'm being "called into the principal's office" where I don't even go to school.  She called her boss on me!  I can't believe how things manage to keep getting more and more ridiculous.  This has become a very personal thing for her when all I've ever wanted was for her to do her job!

Ok so the good news though is that in the midst of this very stressful conversation with Elizabeth she tells me that her boss gave the ok for Keira to be adopted.  We still have to collect the paperwork and file for court, but this was a HUGE answer to prayer that was slightly overshadowed by the drama of the day.

I'm thankful that my friend Megan was there for support and to remind me that in the end it is God's will and not mine that will be done.  He can work through all of this and it seems that he is even though it is still a mess.

I don't know what to expect from tomorrrow.  I really wish my lawyer could be there to help advocate for me, but I haven't been able to get a hold of him since Sunday.  Maybe he hates me too.  I know that I will need to apologize for the horrible Zambian crime of offending Elizabeth and for opening my mouth without having all my facts collected...even though I was probably right.  I also know that I will now have an audience with her boss and can delicately, but firmly plead my case for these girls and our need to be done quickly.  My prayer is that Elizabeth will have already picked up the report before our meeting and then I won't need to plead for anything.  I can just apologize and grab my documents and go.

Please pray that I wouldn't do anything stupid. I've been told that above all else I am to show no emotion at this meeting tomorrow. That's not easy.  I am very rarely anxious, so when I am I look and act defensive or breakdown in tears and that is not what these people need to see.  I have to be calm and collected and the more I think about how to force that the more I want to cry.  I know that God can harden and soften hearts at his will and pleasure.  I know that even though Moses wasn't good with words he boldly went before Pharaoh and God blessed him.  I know that even though alot of people here don't like me that God can enable me to manauver these tricky customs of communication even when I don't understand them.  I know that I can trust him to guide me through whatever comes my way. I know that even though God is throwing the one thing I hate more than anything--confrontation--my way that He can use me and get me through it.

Still--I'm anxious.  I've been made to feel like I've done something horribly wrong by demanding that my social worker do her job.  I have been polite and nice and kind and understanding of Zambian slowness for 6 1/2 months and I just feel like enough is enough.  I do hope all of this is overwith soon.  I saw a glimpse of that finish line today and it felt oh so nice.

 P.S.  I miss my husband more than anything in the world right now.  I will die if I don't get back to him soon.

Mother's Day Wishes

I wish alot of things lately.  I wish I didn't have strep throat and I wish my water wasn't off.  I wish I smelled better, I wish my kids weren't as loud, I wish my electricity would stay on.  More than anything I wish Jesus would come back.  I wish he would make things right again--heal the broken and bring justice to his people.  Erase the pain and darkness with the light of his presence.  It's a grace that he hasn't and I know that.  He delays His wrath in love, but I look around and I long for it.

So I'll settle for something of a smaller scale--the miracle of adoption.  The beauty of his love displayed in a parallel that is so close to gospel sacrifice that it feels like Satan and the world has opposed us in every way.  Christ says that the persecuted are blessed.  And I know my suffering pales in comparison to what many others have experienced.  It is all relative, but right now this is the hardest thing I have ever done...to date.

This has been an interesting time of paradoxes for me.  Most of my life I've beheld God's goodness in a comfortable form.  Now things are hard and it is a temptation to wonder where his goodness went.  But for my children, being in a family has been the first tangible evidence of it and they are learning about the God who is good to them.  For me it's the hardest time, but for them they are experiencing love and thriving even though they have no idea how good they are even going to have it when we get home!  I think things are terrible, but they are ecstatic to just be living where we are and eating and doing the things we do.

Tomorrow (Monday) at 1 p.m. I have a meeting with my social worker and lawyer.  I'm taking them out to lunch and leaving my kids so am hoping to have an uninterrupted discussion about the state of things and where we are headed.  I always hope that these meetings are curves in the road and most of the time they are uneventful, but I'm putting a stake down tomorrow and I pray for the boldness to demand answers for the sake of my children.  My wish is that by Mother's Day I could look at these two kids and tell them they are mine for good.  And that we are going home on a particular day.  Please pray that with us! In the meantime just pray the water comes back.

"I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted...I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you: therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."--Job 42: 1, and 5-6

Too cute not to share....

So today was a photo day for us.  The sun was bright and the kids were giggly.  We were all dressed up and ready to go have some fun with our friend Sophie and her daughter Natasha.  These little munchkins make me laugh so hard.  Their little personalities are developing so well and it's fun to capture some of that with a camera.  How cute are these little things?

Josie rockin' her new jacket.

Love the progression of those three photos!

Josie wrinkles her nose up when she says "banana".  It is one of the most precious things in this universe.

All three riding on a tree stump.

Precious Sister kisses

I love this one.  This kid is so radiantly gorgeous!

Beautiful Keira.

Cute little Josie.  My how she's grown!

I wanted to share the lyrics to a song that's been going through my mind alot lately.  We sing it at our church and it's a great reminder of God's complete control over things and His goodness even in the midst of the trials of this time:

"Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain

Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubt

Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well

You are good when I’m poor and needy
You are true when I’m parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night"

I love these three.  They are such a blessing!

Lewis Girls

Today we went to Kilimanjaros with some friends and got some photos.  My little girlies are so cute.  The adoptions seem to be moving a little bit at least.  My lawyer had some hopeful news for me on Monday, but then I haven't heard from him since so I guess we'll see what happens.  I feel like if we can just get through these last battles with social welfare then we should be set.  I continue to pray for us to get through court very soon.  I want to go home so bad!

I love getting kisses from my little girls!

Keira and I laughing at something.



All the Lewis Girls

Evolet crossing her eyes by the creepy "eyeball" chair.

Keira's Three Months



Keira in November-First Meeting

Today is April 23 and that means that Keira's three month fostering period is over today.  Of course, we still don't have a court date for either Keira or Evolet so it doesn't really mean much, but I wanted to take today to just talk about "the middle one" and how much she's changed.

Keira's a fighter.  The house mom at the orphanage told me the story about how Keira had been abandoned in the hospital by her family after her mother died in childbirth. She was premature and tiny.  She was neglected by the hospital staff who didn't turn her often enough so one side of her head was flat.  When she was released from the hospital at three months old she was 2.5 kg or 5.5 lbs.  The orphanage mom said she was sickly and they didn't expect her to live much less walk or talk.

Keira is still much smaller than the average 3 1/2 year old.  She doesn't speak clearly, but she understands everything.  She has the disposition of an angel and her radiant smile warms the hearts of everyone around her.  The house dad said she was the "diamond" in their family and he was right. She is a special little girl.


Keira in April

In the past three months, Keira has had more energy, she's been talking more, her wandering eye doesn't wander anymore (Praise the Lord).  She's noticeably gained weight although I don't have a scale so I don't know how much.  She's outgrown a pair of shoes that were too big for her in January.  She's attached to me and her sisters better than I ever thought possible.  She smiles ALL. THE. TIME! (unless there are puppies or butterflies floating around.  She's wary of both.)


I don't know what God has planned for this little girl.  I believe that she's my daughter, but there are still alot of unanswered questions surrounding her adoption and we just don't know that for sure until it's final.  I do know one thing...a child doesn't need to have a massive vocabulary to teach you certain things or to steal your heart away.  I love Keira and I pray that God makes a way for her to come home with me.  It would break my heart to leave her here even though I trust that God would provide for her through other means.  Whatever time I get to spend with this precious little girl I will be thankful for it.

I'm praying fervently for progress this week.  Now I'm done fostering both girls and I just want them home.  I want everyone to love and enjoy them the way I do.  Thirty-eight days until the end of May.



"Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause." Isaiah 1:17

Easter!

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you."
1 Peter 1:3-4

Why is it so hard to get everyone to look at the camera at the same time?

 Josie Playing with a pinecone.  I love how this photo turned out!

 Who doesn't love a traditional Easter Clown?  Ran into this guy at the store on Easter.  He made balloon animals for all the kids.

 Running...chasing each other around a tree.

 My sweet little Keira!

Evolet picked some flowers for Mommy!

Psalms and Behemoth Avocados

I know you're all wondering about the avocados so I'll just start with those. We have this HUGE avocado tree in our backyard here that makes the BIGGEST avocados I have ever seen in my life. In fact I didn't believe everyone when they said they were even avocados until I cut into one.

They enjoyed throwing them!

I'm in awe and am trying to find recipes with stuff to do with avocados. I don't even particularly like them, but hey they are free so I can learn.

This is the kids "mattress sliding". They have discovered a new game. Yay!

I'm going to really try to refrain from using the term "roller coaster" in yet another one of my posts, but that's exactly what this past week was. I was told all this great stuff and then found out yesterday that we can't get the police report for Evolet's case until like the end of April probably which means that the earliest we can go to court is the first week of May and that's only if our social worker will agree to work on our case while she's on vacation. I had allowed myself a little spark of hope that maybe we were close to the finish line on at least one case. I had been thinking about how nice it will be to step off the plane and proabably cry and kiss the ground in Atlanta...ok maybe I won't do that, but who knows! I might! I've been thinking about home alot (probably not smart) and it just makes me really sad that I keep getting told one thing and then something else happens. People have been doing this to me non stop for 5 months and I just don't think I can take much more!!!!

Which has all led me repeatedly to say "Ok, God. I thought I knew what you were doing. I thought I was doing what you wanted me to. So why do I keep getting kicked around?" It's easy to mix those emotions with feelings of doubt that God really knows what is best for us. Remember when the Hebrews were finally released from Egypt and really actually thought that God had only rescued them to kill them either by the red sea or the wilderness? I'm starting to understand a little bit why they felt that way. They knew that he was strong enough to save them, but they couldn't understand why he hadn't done it yet.

I'm not going to lie and say that those same doubts have not arisen in my mind, but I'm thankful that even when it feels like God is silent he isn't. He's blessed us with reassuring words and examples from the Bible. There is only one thing that I can always count on and that is that God is God. That is a comofort to me in so many ways. If he is always who he says he is then I have nothing to worry about. I do believe that we are submitted to his will right now and no matter the outcome it is not about us, but about what the Lord is doing. It seems like every day he's given me something to cling to to remind me that He is there and that this is His plan even though for the life of me I can't see where it's going or why. He didn't have to give us words of comfort, but he did because he's good...no matter what the circumstances around us tell us to believe.

There is a remedy for the doubts we feel. In Psalm 77, the Psalmist faces the same doubts as he preaches to himself and says this "Has his [God's] steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?...I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old." Remembering Christ and his goodness is a remedy for all doubt. He is faithful.

The Psalms have been a blessing to me so I thought I would share just a few of the snippets that have really calmed my heart as I was going through my highlights this past week.

• Psalm 37;7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
• Psalm 41:1 "Blessed is the one who considers the poor! In the day of trouble the Lord delivers him."
• Psalm46:10-11 "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."
• Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."
• Psalm 62:1-2 "Fod God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."
• Psalm 66:10-12 "For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into a net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.
• Psalm 72:4 "May he defend the cause of the poor of the people, give deliverance to the children of the needy, and crush the oppressor!"
• Psalm 73:25-26 "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."